


What it Costs

by llmarmalade



Category: Timeless (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, F/M, No Spoilers except for Episode 7 sneak peeks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 21:54:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14458566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llmarmalade/pseuds/llmarmalade
Summary: He seems determined to mess up every timeline he had ever had. The process of letting go isn't easy.





	What it Costs

**Author's Note:**

> Song based on "What it Costs" by Switchfoot. A perfect song for this angsty fic. No spoilers except for the sneak peeks for Episode 7. This is my first fic for this fandom. Ugh! This ship is breaking my heart. I just hope we get a happy ending.

Sunlight fading fast, make it last  
Like a flame flickers, then it's past  
Moonlight fades to dark, carry on  
You never know what's real until it's gone

He seemed fated to not realize what’s in front of him until it was gone. No, not fated. He didn’t believe in fate. He seemed to always make the choice to screw up every timeline he had ever been in. He had treated Jessica horribly, even while thinking of her as some sort of angel until she had died because he had gotten so jealous and angry he had ordered her out of that car. He hadn’t realized what he had until it was gone.  
He had come to count on Lucy until she was now, gone. Well, she was physically present but so far away. Everyone was warning her away from him. Grace, Flynn and even Denise. His ability to disguise his feelings had gone down the drain. Everything in was telling him that he shouldn’t feel the sickening possessive urge to strike Garcia Flynn in the face for daring to be with Lucy but that train had left the station. He had stopped being able to control his feelings. They were boiling over in a tangle of anger, fear, and despair. The worst of it was that Flynn was right. He shouldn’t feel so jealous. Lucy wasn’t anything to him. He should be thinking of Jessica. But at the end, the one who got the half-hearted goodbye wasn’t Lucy. It was Jessica. She didn’t look surprised. She looked resigned as if he had done that 100 times before. She almost looked surprised that Flynn would even mention it. He hadn’t said goodbye to her before he went on the raid on Rittenhouse headquarters. 

But love deals the currency of loss  
Don't ever forget what it cost

Lucy had said once that she didn’t understand love. She didn’t understand how a lightning bolt would strike. But he did. He understood what if felt to fall in love. He had also felt the bitter, horrible pain of lost love. He had lost Jessica and spent days drinking and staring at a glass fighting the demons inside. Most of the time he had lost. But then he had met Lucy and Rufus and started traveling through time. Somehow his old pain had lessened. Then just as he had started to move on Jessica had come back. Now his mind was reminding him that Jessica deserved a real husband while his heart was thinking of Hollywoodland, love songs and the look on Lucy’s face as she dismissed him. He would have made a deal with the devil like Robert Johnson to get Jessica back and now that he got her he couldn’t help but think of another. Another, who was now probably falling for someone else. 

This city cries softly tonight  
Like a million teardrops from a thousand eyes  
I'm drenched beneath the rainy Melbourne skies  
Wonder how it is I feel so dry inside

He wanted to hate Garcia Flynn for being the shoulder to cry on and who knows what else. But how could he? When it had been him who killed the light in two women’s eyes. How could it be him when he had been the one who couldn’t love without consuming everything it its path? He remembered the glance in Lucy’s eyes as she slipped out of Flynn’s room that morning. She didn’t blush or look embarrassed although she looked a little hungover. Her eyes were clear and unshadowed as she nodded at him as if he was stranger. 

Flynn had left and he glanced at the hand that had smashed the glass of the bathroom. The blood appeared as phantom pain and he could see the imprint of the chipped glass in the corner. At the time he had thought of nothing but Lucy. Her safety, her happiness and exploring those “possibilities”. He had promised never to leave her. But that wasn’t possible. He supposed his trying to keep that promise was his undoing. How could he make such a promise? When she wasn’t his wife and there was another woman lying there sleeping in his bedroom. 

But love uses the pain to drill the holes  
That irrigate our dry and thirsty souls

Somehow he had thought love would you better. That his love for Jessica and Lucy would make him better. But it wasn’t true. He had to do all the work himself. Perhaps the only change that had occurred was that Jessica’s death had brought him the pain that had forced him to change. Clearly, change wasn’t permanent. He felt himself sliding back into that dark hole he had dug for himself in the past. The dark hole had tried digging himself out of. 

He saw Grace looking at him with disgust in her eyes. He wondered if she would have any more sympathy for him if she knew about time travel and dead wives. But probably not. Because it was Lucy who deserved the sympathy. Not him. It was Jessica with her resigned look and her smile that didn’t meet her eyes. He deserved the pain. It was just a tragedy that they were hurt too. 

Hold on to me, carry me through  
Our story needs the pain that we outgrew  
Yeah, you can't call it love until you've lost  
If you love someone this is what it cost

He had to lose Jessica to realize her worth. And to change. He would have to give up Lucy. If he wanted to keep anything of himself he had to stand on his own two feet. He had stopped expecting them to reform him. And he had to let go of Lucy. She knew it. He knew it. He had heard his grandfather say that you knew it was love when you were willing to give it up. Wyatt had been too damn selfish to do that with Jessica. He had clung to his grief like a rosary, counting the beads of despair, but unwilling to change. Regret had poisoned his life and robbed him of everything but a knawing ache and a swelling rage. 

“Wyatt, she was right,” Lucy spoke quietly. Her eyes were soft but firm as they waited for Flynn and Rufus.  
“I know. I’ve been a jerk. I’m sorry.” He glanced at his feet and wondered how he had gotten there. Part of him wanted to blame Lucy for making him love her. For chipping away at his walls until he hadn’t been able to resist falling in love with her. Part of him wanted to blame Flynn for taking his place and pointing out ugly truths about himself. But really, there was no one to blame but himself.  
“I know. And I’m not denying the situation is more complicated than what she was saying. But I’m not going to be the other woman. You need to stop trying to make things back to what they were. There is no going back.” Lucy swallowed hard and smiled but her face looked stiff. She looked tired and sad until she drew in a breath.  
“I…I can’t just forget.” he found himself saying. He should forget. If only they had been “home” when Jessica came back. He wouldn’t have even remembered Hollywoodland. Or maybe he would have and thought he had just cheated on Jessica. It was still so complicated, an infinite number of parallel universes all ripe for him to mess up.  
“You have to. I know how you feel about her. I know how much you love her. And you’ve put her through the wringer. She deserves to be loved after all of this.”  
Yes, that was true. And Lucy didn’t need him. She might have needed him before when she was all alone, but she wasn’t alone now. She didn’t need an obsessive, possessive man who had destroyed any good thing that came his way. It was too late for anything else.  
“I just want you to be…happy,” he whispered. He remembered commenting on her being happy before everything went down. And she had looked happy going out of the Lifeboat laughing and talking with the rest. Apart from his poisonous existence.  
“I don’t know. If it’s possible. Not until I get Amy back. Until Rittenhouse is gone.” Lucy turned away. “You aren’t the only one who has trouble forgetting. But it will happen. It just takes time.”

Sunlight fading fast, make it last  
Sunlight fading fast, make it last

Time…time…it seemed like forever. It also seemed like nothing. Yeah, he had to give it time. How many lifetimes, timelines and years would it take to forget? He stepped off the Lifeboat watching Lucy smile at Jiya and Denise. It would take a hundred lifetimes to deserve her. And he didn’t have that. So he just had to make do with what he had. Somehow make it through.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I had major feels when seeing the gifsets on Tumblr and had to make a fic based off of them. I'm not sure if Lyatt will be canon and how it will work. But this story is about trying to figure out a redemption arc for Wyatt Logan who is driving me crazy right now. I understand where the writers are going but it still hurts. I feel for Lucy and Jessica who don't deserve this.


End file.
